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Letter from a 20-Year-Old Ecstasy User, continued
I even rolled at least once a week during the last two months of our spring off-season (for which we could still be drug-tested) and then escalated between the season's end (before finals) and going home. I then rolled every day and, up until I left, I figured I'd make the most of it before I knew I'd have to cut down. I ended up taking about 30 pills in 10 days on top of the previous months'.

Not many knew because my teammates basically drink or go out every night, so I fit in fine drinking a little. In the midst of the binge I took one night off and had the worst hallucinations and terror running through my body for about an hour after I went to bed. It felt like lightning streaking from ear to ear, causing my brain to throb, and it kept coming in waves. It enveloped my entire body, and I thought it would never end. But because I was somewhat back to normal in the morning, I continued, since I already had the pills.

After the last day I had to get up to drive eight hours home before taking off on a plane to Holland two days later. I noticed not so much anymore being on the drug, but rather not being on the drug. I felt a little warped and oddly emotional, but made it home. I thought things were fine until I bent over to pet the dog, and then this rush went through my body, and I couldn't stand to look at the dog because he was in the form of the devil.

I again had the terrors that came over me so bad I almost told my parents. The terrors were inescapable and grew louder and more intense and more frequent. This continued for about five days. I was scared to death to get on the plane, because I thought I would cause an electrical disturbance. I prayed it would end, as I dreaded closing my eyes at night. I barely held on as the feelings even crept up during the day, but not as intense. I felt like I was floating, and my feet would tingle up my body through my teeth. Even now, a week and a half later, after returning to school, I feel like I'm standing or still driving, and everything just glides by like an airport escalator.

I know my body, and this is not normal. The week of the terrors were the scariest nights of my life. Ten times more so than any bad trip, because I knew it should not be happening. I am finding it quite difficult to find solid information of ecstasy. I read other sites saying it is harmless or to use it in moderation, and I cringe at their naivety. I hear the word Ecstasy now and still feel anxious, yet I crave it just once more, but at least not as much as before. The only thing that's keeping me on track is that I can't afford the habit and am in training. But while drinking this weekend, I made phone calls real late to try to get a roll. Thankfully, I couldn't.

Well, I guess what my question is , is this normal? Not so much normal, but is this common amongst ecstasy users, to enter these mental states? Or is it our unique brain chemistry that can cause some people to react this way? (I don't think I actually had too much serotonin to begin with, which is why I enjoyed it so much - but that is just a hunch). I would appreciate any information about this. Thank you for your time. (Published with permission of the author, who asked to remain anonymous.)

Reply
What you are experiencing is NOT normal. You are describing signs and symptoms that indicate you need treatment, and we strongly urge you to seek treatment right away.

The problem with drug experimentation and use is that the scientific research always follows widespread use, rather than preceeding it. The research that has been done to date by John Hopkins researchers and others indicates that Ecstasy can destroy serotonin neurons in the brain. Whether that destruction is permanent is an unanswered question. I do not want to scare you, but the best chances you have are to get off the drug and stay off it.

Good, honest, reliable information can be found on the sites of scientific organizations and institutes. Go to the National Institute on Drug Abuse for specific information on Ecstasy. You can also do a Pub Med Search into the National Library of Medicine's collection of medical journal articles. To Find Treatment click here and type in your zip code. Then scroll down through the selections to find a center that deals with Ecstasy and that is nearby.

Much good luck to you. Please keep us posted as to your progress.